Valve HQ set on fire after time machine explosion causes beta delay: “Why did we play God?”

Today at 13pm a fire broke out at Valve headquarters in Seattle, caused by rioters burning the building after their time machine exploded. It appears that the rioters are a mix of people displaced from alternative dimensions due to the timewarp explosion as well as Artifact fans after hearing the beta will be delayed to October 50th.

Said one Valve representative that wished to remain anonymous, “While we were quite pleased with the time machine’s betatesting with Dota 2 updates, it appears that the machine still has a few bugs in it while we were using it for Artifact. Thankfully, nobody was seriously injured, which is the important thing. Just ignore the caveman.”

The machine itself no longer functions, according to insider info, meaning that Valve must now rely on using their regular Valve Time warlocks, which have been under fire in the past for being notoriously unreliable.

Meanwhile, rioters are furious as time ripples around Valve HQ have caused fires to surrounding timelines, which will destroy the building sometime in the next century.

“I’m never trusting Valve again! Preorder cancelled! I don’t care if I got it for free!” shouted one protester, angerly shaking his fist next to a roman soldier.

One Half-Life fan teleported from Europe due to the time ripples said: “It’s called Valve Time for a reason. Welcome to the club, we’ve got beer in the fridge.”

Artifact is slated for release on November XXth.


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